So it goes like this:
1. Resist until utterly impossible to ignore the issue of moving the ADSL modem from its no-longer workable location to new, workable location.
2. Cease resistance with EXTREME reluctance. Unplug, pick up & move modem and phone, which are linked, to new, workable location.
3. Carefully plug modem and phone into new location in exact same layout. All lights and noises dead. Try different phone outlet, since there are several. Why so many. One is unsure.
4. Check modem works. Modem works, yessssssss, I am a god.
5. Check phone works. Phone does not work.
6. Contemplate how long one can live without phone. Answer: very long time indeed. One does not even like phones. Yet one knows one will inevitably grow to resent phone bills.
7. OK, fuggitt, play around with plugs and line filter/splitter doovey and various cables. Seems to be a spare cable now. Probably a bad thing. Move cable out of eyesight. Cannot deal with orphaned cable just yet.
8. Phone now works. Modem doesn’t. No no no no, this is wrong, this is very, very wrong, where internet go, where is rest of world, one is trapped here now with no internet and a phone that no one knows number to anyhow. No one ever call, except for market researchers. Market researchers are not friends.
9. Mess with cables and doover lackies and such for long time. Attend to other errands. Return, always, to cables and doover lackies without success. Continue in this vein for several hours.
10. Become utterly confused.
11. Attempt not to panic.
12. No no no no no no no, this is not good thing, why must evil always happen to self, what has one done to deserve removal of entire world from one’s existence, one is very alone, where is cat gone even.
13. Mess with cables and doover lackies. Phone works no matter what one does, stupid phone. Where is internet.
14. Consider internal state of self. Is one close to tears? If so, call mother. If not, call a friend with technical skills. Thinking, thinking.
15. Mother is spared. Friend is called. Friend’s reassuring indifference to one’s crisis is strangely soothing. Friend takes one through cables and doovies. Friend says ‘well, should all be working’. Friend is not helping.
16. Friend clearly growing weary of one’s refusal to let friend off phone.
17. Friend says, ‘switch everything off, then wait, then switch on modem, then wait, THEN switch on Airport wireless thingy.’ Friend says, ‘don’t do this in any other order’. Friend tries to get off phone.
18. Friend’s suggested solution sounds like a con. Friend is made to wait while one does all things in correct order. Friend’s TV can be heard in background, its volume subtly increasing. One is not interested in friend’s desire to watch ABC. Friend will WAIT.
19. One seeks absolute reassurance of return of internet. One tries two different bookmarks before friend is told, ‘yessssssss, working, thank fuck, I mean, thank-you, thanks, thanks for that, really appreciated’.
20. ‘OK,’ says friend, ‘take care.’ Friend does not want to swap small talk. Fine. Friend is released from phone.
Internet is back. Friend no longer needed.