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The little reader who could, GODDAMMITT

“Beneath the woman’s veil, nothing could be seen. Above it, a half-mask covered the upper part of her face with cast-metal compassion.”
— Janet Morris, Cruiser Dreams, Book Two in the Three Part Saga of the Kerrion Empire
( Berkley Science Fiction, Fourth Printing, September 1984, pp. 105)

By god, I WILL finish CRUISER DREAMS. I will, I will, I will.

“Sometimes, just when one has been forced to face failure at the bottom of a pit, some small gear will turn, and lock, and an upward motion begins to draw one back up. Someone or other from antiquity had taught that out of despair is birthed resolutions, out of submission, new strength to attack.”
— Janet Morris, Cruiser Dreams, Book Two in the Three Part Saga of the Kerrion Empire
( Berkley Science Fiction, Fourth Printing, September 1984, pp. 121)

I am enjoying my own perverse reaction to these books.

I am, at least partly, still enjoying the books, though part of me is itching to find a reason to hate them, & another part is unable to settle into them. So that in the end I find I’m skim-reading a little more than I mean to. I’m missing out on part of their density. I know I’m missing out & my knowledge distracts me more so that I settle even less, annoyed at myself more, even, than before.

A sane person would put them away for a time. Sometimes, sanity is too simple an option.

“Then he leaned his head back against the wall and blinked fiercely. His throat worked and his eyes shut and a whisper in the back of his mind urged him to pick up the pieces of his life while there was still time.
But what would he do then?”
— Janet Morris, Cruiser Dreams, Book Two in the Three Part Saga of the Kerrion Empire
( Berkley Science Fiction, Fourth Printing, September 1984, pp. 264)

I’ve been searching for weeks for a saying I came across some time ago. It went along the lines of ‘When the universe pushes, pull. When it pulls, push.’ Or maybe the other way around. All I know is that I’m in a tussle with the universe & somehow it’s symbolised for me by these damn books.

The universe laughs. It knows the books aren’t important. It knows I know. It knows I will finish them anyway because now they are under my skin and goddammitt I have made up my mind that I will finish them, though I have no clear assurance why the task is important. I merely read the books while looking askance at the universe from the corner of one eye. I could stop struggling, but struggle at least lets you know you’re alive. I could, instead, sit back, choose something simpler, & return to measuring out my life with coffee spoons.

If I weren’t an athiest, I’d tell God to fuck off right now. Just because that’s the kind of mood I’m in.

“He mulled it over, tasting the words, feeling them fit epitaph to his premature but passionately flaming exultation: ‘All things are an exchange for fire, and fire for all things’.”
— Janet Morris, Cruiser Dreams, Book Two in the Three Part Saga of the Kerrion Empire
( Berkley Science Fiction, Fourth Printing, September 1984, pp. 269)

Damn, damn, damn, I like these damn books.