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I have no internet, but I must scream

In the re-introduced enforced absence of internet at home, I have found that my computer speaks. ‘Computer,’ I say, ‘what time is it?’ ‘It is 9.24 pm,’ says the computer in a rush. ‘Computer,’ I say, ‘tell me a joke.’ ‘Knock knock,’ says the computer instantly. ‘Computer, who’s there?’ ‘Tivoli,’ …

Never could get the hang of fucking Thursdays

I caught a bit of Today Tonight, um, this evening, & they were featuring such crucial stories as: 1. Single fathers cop too much flack. So all you people out there giving flacks to single dads — & I’m thinking there must be, oh, I dunno … several of you, …

I have seen my future. In it, I wear the same shoes.

I’m in town today with my friend K. & she points out that there’s a homeless guy ahead of us who seems to be partying on pretty fiercely. “Gee, he’s having a good time, eh?” she says, as the bum starts ranting & singing & rumaging through a bin & …

What is the inverse of Murphy’s Law?

And just like that it was over, and all the fussing & working & unhappy phone calls to the support line and the arrival of technicians & more fussing, much, much more fussing, didn’t seem to have made a speck of difference. But suddenly, after the phone calls and the …

For the Clarion South Kiddies

http://www.tuginternet.com/jja/journal/archives/002330.html “Over a noisy lunch the other day, I overheard Ellen Datlow talking about her experiences in Australia and New Zealand while she was teaching Clarion South. I only caught bits and pieces of the conversation, but I heard someone say “I heard they’re mean,” to which Gordon replied “That’s …

Shaving the yak

There’s an episode of M*A*S*H where Hawkeye wants something*, but to get it he needs a favour from someone, & when he approaches them, he’s told he’ll have to pay off a debt they have to someone else, & then that someone else wants something else, etc, etc, etc, & …

Special skills

When it comes to painting a room, turns out I have two special gifts. One is the ability to stand in paint. Even if there’s only one drop of paint on the floor, I am guaranteed to stand in it & track it all across the room & possibly the …

Update: Local Guide

So I just saw a guy wheeling a shopping trolley with an office chair in it, all the way down my street. And I’m thinking: why’s he need the trolley? The chair has wheels. Just push the chair. I’m telling you, shopping trolleys are the new mode of inner city …

One ‘yay’ and two references to evil

Season 4 of Oz turned up in the mail, complete with free bags of Canadian air. *breathes* Ahhhhhhh….. brrrr! Don’t you love when they package things in air? I can’t wait until they start packing things in soil. It will be such a boon for all those Canadian vampires waiting …

Forward into the Light

So within 10 minutes of being told I needed glasses (well, not so much ‘needed’ as ‘could do with’ or ‘would benefit from’ or ‘useful if you want to prevent that burning, itching sensation, in your eyes, at least’) — (oh, and not so much ‘glasses’ as … well, glasses, …

More good advice for writers (she said, ironically)

So, this evening, instead of cleaning my paintbrushes, I sat down & had a beer. Then I threw the paintbrushes away. This saved me such an incredible amount of time in cleaning that I’m not sure why it wasn’t recommended to me in the first place. Follow @deborah_b

Whazzup

So the mailservers are down (again), & when I whined to the systems guys that there was no external mail arriving (again), they said, “I bet you a hundred bucks the email you’re waiting on is from your friends, & not work-related at all.” I mean, dude, like that even …

Spring Cleaning 101, Lesson 1

Your collection of novelty erasers from first grade is not considered to be a critical possession. Select only the finest pieces to keep and throw the rest away. Unless, that is, your ‘collection’ consists of just three (3) erasers. Reasons for this may include, but are not limited to: i) …

Episode IV: In which the Universe Mocks Me

So, today being the day after bin night, I naturally had to collect my bin from its regular morning-after position, which is a) upside down & b) in the very middle of the sidewalk. As I stooped over its fallen shape, I noted beside it a photo, picture-side down. Naturally, …

Day 1

There’s something about New Year’s Eve that always reminds me of the fairytale about the woman with the all-day curse. You know, the one where the spirit or demon or whatever it is (I don’t recall the details, & if I remembered the story’s name I could look it up) …