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I felt like destroying something beautiful

Five. FIVE NIGHTS without internet. Five of ’em, count ’em, I did. F.I.V.E.

Definition of frustration: When your computer tells you, ‘Yes, I am connected to the internet. Oh, wait, no I’m not, no, wait, I am again, but oh, hang on, despite being connected, I cannot show you a single page on the WWW nor can I download your mail. But I am still connected, don’t get me wrong. We are aaaallll connected here, yes, indeedy, thank-you for asking. No, sorry, not that page either…. Nope, or that one, sorry. Hey, we’ve been online 1.27 minutes, how cool is that! No, don’t go there.’

I thought, without the distraction of internet, I might have a weekend rich in achievement. I might do those things I’d been putting off. I might … anyway. Instead:

Amityville Horror: It’s a horror movie. Set in Amityville. Also, Ryan Reynolds is in really, really good shape. Wasn’t he that funny, skinny guy from Two Guys and A Girl? WTF?

Gerry: Gus van Sant, Matt Damon, Casey Affleck. Not a horror movie, but haunting. Two Guys & a Lot of Wilderness. I kept thinking there were any number of dangers for a film of this ambition, but it’s poised & smart & balanced. Falls into my Beautiful/Horrible category, where all my favourite films live. One of those films that makes you want to thank each & every person involved.

Crimson Rivers 2: Angels of the Apocalypse: What a rollicking good time. I love Jean Reno. He has a kind of embittered incredulity to his face. Here he does battle with Leaping Monks in Cassocks, & let’s face it, there really aren’t enough of those on film. One of the Leaping Monks is apparently a former Kung Fu Federation World Champion. This may or may not add to your enjoyment of the film, but I thought you should know. Also you should know that when French cops turn up at your door to execute a search warrant, they bring an extensive & heavily armed swat team. Because that’s the kind of reality you’ll get from Crimson Rivers & if that’s your cup of tea, c’mon over, I still haven’t seen Crimson Rivers 1.

Matrix 3: Whatever it’s called: I fell asleep. Then I woke up to the sounds of violence. I thought to myself, ‘should I go back to the scene where I fell asleep, or should I keep watching from here?’ I did neither, & turned the DVD off.

So how was your weekend?